Armchair Mayor column, The Kamloops Daily News, June 26, 2010
FROOTLOOPS City council sits down for its last meeting before breaking for the summer. They’re antsy to head off to the beach, as long as the tubers don’t get in the way.
MAYOR PETER MILKBAR: The summer solstice has come and gone and, yet, here we sit. Let’s get this over with — don’t make me use the ‘B’ word.
RANDY DOODLE (City administrative guy): Your Cusswordship, you may want to deal with a letter we’ve just received from BCIS, the BS Intelligence Service. It’s very short.
MILKBAR: Go for it.
DOODLE: It’s from Dick Fiddle, the director. It goes like this. . . “Are you now, or have you ever been, under the influence of a foreign power?”
COUN. TINA TOAST: OK, OK, I confess! I had one too many ganbeis the last time we had dinner with our friends from China. But, believe me, it wasn’t as if it was fun — you could clean graffiti off mailboxes with that stuff they drink.
DOODLE: I don’t think that’s the kind of influence Mr. Fiddle is talking about, Your Nasalness. He means political influence. He’d like to know if you’ve ever made a decision based on a relationship with a foreign power.
MILKBAR: That’s a toughie. John Ranter, the mayor of Trash Creek, took me to lunch once. He let me pick the restaurant. Does that count?
COUN. JOHN DECAPPACINNO: Your Drollness, people come into the shop, they say, “John, is it true you’re under the influence?” I say, not when I’m working. They say, “John, is it true Mahmoud Ahmadini-whoever is running City Hall now?” I say, I dunno, I’ll find out.
COUN. JOHN O’HECK: I’d be happy to send off a text message to Mr. Fiddle thanking him very much for his interest, but that we’ll be busy visiting our sister cities in North Korea and Kyrgyzstan this summer and we’ll have to get back to him later.
COUN. DENIS WATCHDOG: Your Warship, I’m actually more concerned about a rumour that the ACC — Acrimonious Cogeneration Corp. — is going to burn nuclear waste in downtown Frootloops and that we’re all gonna die. I think we should object to that.
COUN. NANCY BUBBLES: I’m in full agreement with Coun. Watchdog, Your Mumbleship. I move that we send a strongly worded letter to the Ministry of Air, Land and Fuzzy Things opposing ACC’s new plant.
MAYOR MILKBAR: Defeated.
COUN. BUBBLES: But we haven’t voted yet.
MILKBAR: No need. Your motions never get passed.
COUN. MADGE SPIRULINA: I move that we send a strongly worded letter to the Ministry of Air, Land and Fuzzy Things opposing ACC’s new plant.
MILKBAR: The motion is carried.
COUN. WATCHDOG: Your Washtub, point of order. That’s the same motion Coun. Bubbles just made.
MILKBAR: I know, but Coun. Spirulina is incredibly sincere and gives out hugs. What’s next on the agenda?
SALLY NUMBERS (Chief Bean Counter): We’ve been studying the impact of the Hated Sales Tax on the average Frootloopsian, Your Warthog, and we can give you a brief report. Terry Terrier and Kevin Bluster were too busy avoiding impeachment and planning their recall campaigns to meet with us, but here’s the way we see it. The HST is a revenue-neutral tax grab that will take money out of the hands of the poor and transfer it to the rich, however an offsetting decaffeinated beverage allowance applied to the negative infiltration of carbon-fuel initiatives will result in significant improvements to our fiscal performance that will translate into a whole bunch of happy campers within a clearly delineated timetable.
MILKBAR: What does that mean?
NUMBERS: It means nobody has a clue, Your Grumbleship.
COUN. PAT WARHORSE: I’m concerned, Your Whizkid, how we’re supposed to get to all the junkets and conventions this summer now that CheapJet has cancelled its service, again.
BYRON McSNORKLE (Fun and Games Guy): Your Whippersnapper, we’ve been working on that. Instead of traveling to other places, we’re going to take you all up to the McTournament Capital Centre for a retreat. The feds have a fake lake they’ll be putting on the market very soon and we’re pretty sure we can get a good deal on it. It’ll fit nicely on the football field. We can sit around and roast marshmallows.
JIM HYDRANT: I would support the idea, Your Wombat, as long as we bring our own marshmallows. The last thing we want is any commercial activity in our parks and facilities.
McSNORKLE: No problem. Our new master plan strictly prohibits any activity that would make us or anyone else money.
MILKBAR: OK, let’s wrap this up. I’ve just been informed by our bylaws guy the beach has been cleared of all tubers and Abby the golden retriever but before we head down to the park for a swim, we’re supposed to be at a ceremony demolishing another heritage building. I don’t like to miss those.
COUN. BUBBLES: But, Your Honcho, we haven’t made any decisions yet!
MILKBAR: What’s your point? Meeting adjourned.