It’s the last meeting of Frootloops council before the Christmas-or-if-you-prefer-Holiday- season. Mayor Peter Milkbar is anxious to get things going.
MILKBAR: Call the meeting to order. This is a totally transparent meeting, no secrets, no hidden agendas. Talk as long as you want, don’t pay any attention to me, I’m just here to listen.
COUN. NANCY BABBLE: I’m just wondering, Your Warthog, but you’re not the only one nobody’s paying attention to. We’re down to one TV camera and the only reporters who show up any more are Michele Yatter and Angelo Yakabaloney. I bring up as many nitpicky things as possible week after week but I’m not getting anywhere.
COUN. TINA TOAST: Your Mumblefest, I think this is a general problem. The public gallery hasn’t exactly been full, and I think it’s because we need to spark a little more controversy. Last year we did the chicken dance, the backyard burning, stuff like that. This year, it’s been kind of dull around here. It was more fun when your predecessor was fighting with Betty Hindrance.
COUN. MADGE SPIRULINA: Coun. Toast is absolutely right, though not as right as I am, in fact she’s totally wrong but there’s nothing wrong with that, right? What we really need is some good, positive news. I feel great just thinking about it. After all, it’s Christmas. Group hug!
MILKBAR: Never in this lifetime.
COUN. DENIS WATCHDOG: I’d like to make a motion — if someone would second it for a change — that we workshop this issue, consult like crazy, commission a survey and then hold a referendum.
MILKBAR: I don’t see a seconder. Anyway, we just spent 18 grand on a survey and everybody thinks we’re wonderful. As for referendums, I’m not a fan — they just gum things up when we want to go ahead and do the opposite of what people tell us.
RANDY DOODLE, Chief Administrative Guy: Your Warship, I think we, your faithful Froot Staff, can help on the issue of positive news. Byron McSnorkle, our Main Fun and Games Guy, has pretty exciting plans.
McSNORKLE: I think there’s a win-win opportunity here, Your Drollness. I will defer to Jeff Putman, our Chief Sports Development Honcho, to explain.
PUTMAN: Hey, how ya doin’? Is this a great Fun and Games Capital kinda day, or what? OK, here’s the drill. Some people say the Olympics aren’t going to benefit us here in the Loops, but boy are they wrong. Already, we have the Swiss Winter Parcheesi Team training here, and we’ve almost sewed up the World Masters Crokinole Championships. We’re set to announce these just in time for Christmas!
COUN. JOHN DeCAPPUCCINO: It will take more than a couple of new tournaments to stop people being mad at us, Your Grumbleship. They come into the shop, they say, “John, what’r we gonna do about Abby the dog, why is she in jail?” I say, “I dunno, I’ll find out.”
PUTMAN: No problem, we’ve got that one covered, too! I’ve been discussing it with the Dog Police and they’re willing to give her a pardon with full sidewalk privileges. Then, you, your Twaddleness, proclaim her our official Frootloops Fun and Games Ambassador, and we’re good to go,.
COUN. PAT WARHORSE: Your Rambleship, I remember back in 1893 at the first-ever meeting of council, we dealt with a similar issue. Somebody’s Texas Longhorn kept bothering people on Victoria Street during rutting season. ‘Course, there were no sidewalks, but we never had a problem with people owning too many dogs back then either — the sheriff packed a Colt .45.
MILKBAR: Let’s focus, shall we? I, too, am worried about the lack of public interest. Nobody bothers to come to our meetings anymore.
COUN. JIM HYDRANT: That’s actually a good thing, Your Boywondership. I’d have to call in the fire marshall if too many people showed up.
MILKBAR: Coun. Offline, are you going to add anything to this discussion, or just sit there?
COUN. JOHN OFFLINE: Sorry, Your Washtub, I was busy texting McHappyJet about their new glidepath. Their new twin-engine Dash 47 weighs 674 tons with a maximum thrust per engine of 82 thingamahjiggies per second and a cruising altitude of 20,000 ft. If you multiply that times the temperature in celsius, I figure we’ll need another .23 miles added to our runway. That will mean building a serious wharf onto the river. But never mind, I’ll email it in from my Blackberry
COUN. SPIRULINA: I think I’m right when I say we all agree with Mr. Putman’s recommendations. Am I wrong? I move we accept, plus we invite Abby to our annual Frootloops Council Christmas Bun Toss. I’ll pay for her ticket out of my expense allowance, if you don’t mind approving it since I’m already way over my spending limit. But that’s a good thing, right?
COUN. WATCHDOG: Shouldn’t we consult first?
MILKBAR: The motion is carried. Have a good one.